Getting out of the Pit

So, things have been hard for me the past couple of weeks.  Obviously, if you read my last post. Those feelings that I had discussed there are something that I struggle with every single day.  Some days are worse than others (for example, cloudy days).  All in all, it's a struggle to get up out of the bed sometimes.  Even when I am not going through a break up. 

It is so hard to get out of the deep, moldy, damp pit of depression.  I think the hardest thing about it is that I am the only one who can pull myself out of the pit.  Don't misunderstand me.  My friends help me so much when I am feeling down.  But, unless I reach out, many of my friends don't know how much I am struggling with something.  It's not their fault. They aren't mind readers, and besides, they have a lot of things on their plate too.  It's my tears and prayers and time made for scripture study that helps me. 

If we continue with the pit metaphor then friends are like roots or tree branches that are in the sides or near the pit.  If you put your whole weight on the roots or branches in an effort to pull yourself out, the branch or root will snap and you will fall flat on your back.  Friends are not meant to hold the whole weight of your burden.  The relationship will crumble and you will suffer everything all over again, maybe worse, because you had hope that they could help.  What we need to do is make footholds for ourselves in the walls of the pit. We need to have things that we can grasp firmly while we put our whole heart and soul into getting out of the pit. 

It takes a lot of work to get out.  It might require some outside help, not necessarily your friends, but doctors, counselors, medication.  This route of professional help should be taken before friends are depended on, because if you can't change yourself then no one can change you, and it's unfair to expect them to change you.

In fact, realizing you might need medication to get out of the pit could be the first foot holds you make for yourself.  Going to the doctor could be the second.  The doctor will do an assessment of your emotional state in hopes of finding the correct medicine sooner.  The doctor should tell you that finding the correct medication for you can take some time.  Also, seeing the effects of the medicine can take a while.  Sometimes it takes as short as two weeks before you feel the effects of the medicine.  Other times it can take as long as twelve weeks. Many people don't find something that works right away.  Please be patient with yourself and with your doctor as the two of you work together to find what works best for you.  For me, it took trying a number of medications, deciding I wasn't that depressed and I could manage it on my own, then getting back on a whole slew of different stuff before going back to something I had already tried. 

***NEVER EVER QUIT YOUR ANTIDEPRESSANTS COLD TURKEY!!!!!*****  That is the worst thing you could do for your brain.  There are terrible side effects of doing that.  Talk to your doctor before you decide to quit your medicine.  For more information please visit this website.

Now, as you do these things it might be a good idea to try new things to see if you can find something else that will whet your interest. Because, well, why the heck not!! You only live once.  So, go skydiving, learn to ski, write a blog, sign up at a gym, run a marathon. Do anything and everything. 

While you are doing these fun things take your friends with you, as a thank you for sticking with you through the darkness.  Both of you will bond and it will be glorious.  Everyone loves to get rewarded for putting up with other peoples depressing bullsh**.  Your friends weren't meant to hold the whole weight of your depression, but they can help you in other ways.  They can help cheer you up, but not solve your problems for you.  No one wants to be around a Debbie Downer all the time.  Talk to your counselor about your depression, try to be supportive of your friends and the things they are going through. 

Above all, remember the surest way through depression is by holding the hand of the Savior.  We must remember that He has descended below all things and He can help us, even in our darkest hour.  (see here for reference)  I know that is true because one day I was sitting in my dorm room, a while ago, contemplating my life, thinking about the point of it.  I thought about how easy it would be to end it and then I thought about my Savior.  As the prophet Alma perfectly describes "And, now, behold, when I thought of this I could remember my pains no more".  The feelings of loneliness and worthlessness evaporated.  It helped long enough that I did not commit suicide.  And that has made all the difference.

Depression

When my depression hits things go awry.  My desire to work out totally goes out the window, my relationship with my boyfriend suffers/gets severed because I get super insecure about EVERYTHING. My home becomes a hot mess. I stop wearing make up.  I just. Stop. Caring.  Even the job that I absolutely love becomes a burden more than a joy. It really sucks.

I don't think there is anything more annoying than when you don't realize you are having a depressive episode and everything starts bothering you and you feel super insecure and everything just feels like it's coming undone. That feeling that everything is snowballing out of control and you don't know where you stand is probably the most frustrating feeling to ever have. Because you don't know what other people are thinking about you and you just want to know. You want to know how they feel about you. You also want to know how everything seems out of place.

You basically start stalking your significant other because you don't know what they are doing, what they're feeling, or thinking because even though they're talking to you, you feel like they're not talking to you. Then you have a huge fight because you just wanted them to connect with you, and they decide that they don't want you anymore.

From there the bed becomes superglue. You have no adhesive remover.  Stuck.  Tears stream down your face because everything just seems so dark and uninviting.  It would just be easier to stay in bed. No one has to know anything. No one has to know that you are sad and you don't know why.

No one has to know anything.  You have become a pretty good actor through out your life.  Covering the tragedy of depression with the comedy mask.  You have become so good at it that you can almost convince yourself that everything really is fine and you aren't really sad.  Then, when you are alone, the inscrutable sadness hits your chest like a pile of bricks.  You just don't know what to do. There is no one to entertain but yourself and you can't keep that charade up, even if you wanted to, because you expended all of your energy when you entertained others. 

You don't even have enough strength in you to finish this blog. 

Cardio & Doctor's visit

So, yesterday I went to the gym with Rebecca.  It. Was. Awesome. We walked and ran on the treadmill.  It was beautiful. We talked, we laughed, in a nearly empty gym, and then ten o'clock hit and people came in.  We were on the very last two treadmills away from the door and we had planned to do a mile on the treadmill and then two miles on the elliptical, but when the people came in they used all of the elliptical machines but two non adjacent machines.  One of the elliptical machines was next to a treadmill and the guy on the treadmill was sneezing.  When I say sneezing, I mean sneezing.  You know, the really gross kind.  Anyway, neither one of us were going to be around that since we have been sick. So, we left.  She ended up doing a mile and a half and I did a mile. She walked until I was done. That was super nice of her. If places were swapped I would have left my butt there.

I also went to the doctor today. I was told that my blood sugar was a little high for fasting (it was 100) and of course that I was overweight.  So, she gave me some medicine that should help me lose weight and help prevent diabetes. 

So, I have slacked a little...

Rebecca and I have decided that working out every single day was a bit of an overkill.  Especially given the physical state that we are in at the moment.  So, we have revamped the goal of everyday to workout at least 3 days a week.  That feels more doable.  Then as we get in the habit of working out 3 days a week, we will increase the number of days per week by one until we arrive at seven again. 

I have been slacking in my blogging because, well, to be straight up honest, I totally forgot to do it the other day.  Sorry.

We worked on chest and arms on Thursday.  We used all of the machines in the gym for arms and chest.  I tried not to push too hard because I had to work on Friday.  Since I have to have my arms for my job, I decided I didn't want to be crazy sore.  But, I pumped out all three sets of everything we did.  It felt great.  I had already played volleyball a couple of hours earlier and I was not feeling the walking thing.  I got on the treadmill and my calves became instant fire.  I guess I need to start stretching more...or you know...at all.  So, in order to compromise, Rebecca told me that if I can complete a half a mile on the tread mill before she completed a mile on the elliptical then we could be done.  So, I pushed that baby all the way up to speed 5 (which is as fast as I can go at the moment) and I pumped my little legs as fast as they would go until I knew I could stop and walk again and still beat her mile.  And I did.  I beat her!  She said something like "Oh, look at you getting motivated!" and "Wow, you really don't want to do those three miles do you?"  The answer to both of those was I am done.  I wanted to eat, sleep and not be at the gym anymore.  You know what they say...."Its not your legs giving out, it's your head giving up", and that my friends is exactly what happened. 

Cardio Day

So, today I got a massage. (Don't freak out or get all jealous because it's totally a medical massage so I can keep working)  My masseuse always tells me that I can't lift weights for 12-24 hours after a massage because I can undo what he did.  Really, I don't want to go through all of the pain that he puts me through for nothing. 

Therefore, today was a cardio day.  Rebecca and I did 3 miles on the elliptical machine.  Thankfully we did about the same time.  She got done a little quicker than I did and I beat my time from yesterday.  It's amazing what happens when you don't knit on the machines. 

I can't wait to keep this up and to push myself a little further every day so I can lose the weight.  I have been trying to lose this weight for seven years.  There was one time I got close and that was when I lived in Illinois.  But, since then I have been in school and living the dream of eating pizza and drinking coke every day and gaining all of the weight I had lost plus some. 

Then, after all of that, I came home and started working on myself.  I lost about ten pounds, but then I started my big girl job where I have to drive a lot.  So I gained all that I had lost, plus another ten. 

I think this is why I am so angry about my weight, because it feels like no matter what I do I am still getting fatter!  It sucks so much to realize after all of the work you put in for months on end can all be undone in just a few short weeks. 

Already "broke" my New Years Resolution...

...But wait...I didn't make resolutions. I made GOALS!!  What's the first rule of goals? Set them.  Okay, the second rule of goals? Revamp!  Every week you are supposed to evaluate your goals and revamp them.  See what you did well in and what you did poor in.  This past week I did poor in blogging but I did well in moving out of my parents house.  So, for that I give myself a pat on the back.  I hadn't blogged while I was moving because I didn't have any internet.  Now, obviously, I have it. 

Also, I am feeling much, much, much better!  I don't feel quite up to lifting weights yet, but I decided that I was feeling good enough to go for a walk.  So, I did. Three miles later I got off of the elliptical machine and felt wobbly.  It was awesome!  I felt so accomplished because, since I have started this process of working out, walking three miles has been my ultimate goal.  Now I know I can do it and that it takes me about 45 minutes to do it.  So, what is going to start happening now is that I will start walking the three miles everyday and I will be working on getting faster at it.  So that when I do my 5k I won't be walking any of it.  I want to jog/run the whole thing!

I probably could have gone a little faster today but I was trying to knit while I was walking.  I know that sounds like no big deal but it was actually kind of difficult.  I am not yet one of those knitters who can just knit without looking.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I was finishing up turning the heel on my sock while I was walking.  That is kind of hard especially when you are struggling to find the place to do a twin stich.  I almost fell off of the elliptical machine because I nearly lost my balance while looking down to knit.  HAHA.  Oops.  Good thing I  didn't fall 'cause that would have been embarrassing! 

I can't wait to see the pounds come off of this fat old body.  I am considering joining Weight Watchers also, but I am kind of  on the fence about it.  If anyone has any kind of experience with Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or any of those things, please let me know what your experience was.  I like to make informed decisions. 

Happy NEW Year!

Well, I am still sick and that sucks but my New Years "party" was quiet and nice.  I spent time with my boyfriend and my parents.  I know, I know, the parents are not everyone's top choices, but they are mine and I really enjoy their company.  The older I get the more grateful that I am that they are still here on the earth and that I have the opportunity to enjoy their company as often as I do. 

Since I have been sick I haven't been utilizing my fitbit as much as I should be.  It's sad.  I have only taken about 2,000 steps a day.  Terrible.  At the same time, I need to rest. 

SO, this is the time of year that everyone makes resolutions and by February they will have failed them.  Therefore, instead of making resolutions, I am setting goals. Which are kind of the same but people talk about goals all the time, not resolutions.  Have you ever noticed that?  After the month of January no one talks about resolutions...but every month someone is having a discussion about goals.  I digress. 
So, my GOALS for 2015 are as follows:

1) Make working out a habit
2) Change my eating style
3) Take a multivitamin everyday
4) Move out of my parents house
5) Run a 5k by Spring/Summer time
6) Write in my blog and personal journal everyday
7) Remember that change happens a little at a time
8) Read the scriptures everyday
9) Complete my Personal Progress
10) Do something crazy! (TBD)

Of course, I also want to perfect an art form, such as photography or painting or sketching...but these new goals are things that I really want to focus on. Art is kind of a hobby for me, like knitting.  I focus on hobbies all the time. I can/do always make time for them already.  These goals are things that have not been a priority in my life the past couple of years/ever. 

However, first things first!  I have to get over this sickness, whatever it is before I can start doing some of the things on my list.  I am pretty sure this disease is trying to kill me. At least, that is what it feels like.  UGH!  I gotta go take some medicine!