Getting out of the Pit

So, things have been hard for me the past couple of weeks.  Obviously, if you read my last post. Those feelings that I had discussed there are something that I struggle with every single day.  Some days are worse than others (for example, cloudy days).  All in all, it's a struggle to get up out of the bed sometimes.  Even when I am not going through a break up. 

It is so hard to get out of the deep, moldy, damp pit of depression.  I think the hardest thing about it is that I am the only one who can pull myself out of the pit.  Don't misunderstand me.  My friends help me so much when I am feeling down.  But, unless I reach out, many of my friends don't know how much I am struggling with something.  It's not their fault. They aren't mind readers, and besides, they have a lot of things on their plate too.  It's my tears and prayers and time made for scripture study that helps me. 

If we continue with the pit metaphor then friends are like roots or tree branches that are in the sides or near the pit.  If you put your whole weight on the roots or branches in an effort to pull yourself out, the branch or root will snap and you will fall flat on your back.  Friends are not meant to hold the whole weight of your burden.  The relationship will crumble and you will suffer everything all over again, maybe worse, because you had hope that they could help.  What we need to do is make footholds for ourselves in the walls of the pit. We need to have things that we can grasp firmly while we put our whole heart and soul into getting out of the pit. 

It takes a lot of work to get out.  It might require some outside help, not necessarily your friends, but doctors, counselors, medication.  This route of professional help should be taken before friends are depended on, because if you can't change yourself then no one can change you, and it's unfair to expect them to change you.

In fact, realizing you might need medication to get out of the pit could be the first foot holds you make for yourself.  Going to the doctor could be the second.  The doctor will do an assessment of your emotional state in hopes of finding the correct medicine sooner.  The doctor should tell you that finding the correct medication for you can take some time.  Also, seeing the effects of the medicine can take a while.  Sometimes it takes as short as two weeks before you feel the effects of the medicine.  Other times it can take as long as twelve weeks. Many people don't find something that works right away.  Please be patient with yourself and with your doctor as the two of you work together to find what works best for you.  For me, it took trying a number of medications, deciding I wasn't that depressed and I could manage it on my own, then getting back on a whole slew of different stuff before going back to something I had already tried. 

***NEVER EVER QUIT YOUR ANTIDEPRESSANTS COLD TURKEY!!!!!*****  That is the worst thing you could do for your brain.  There are terrible side effects of doing that.  Talk to your doctor before you decide to quit your medicine.  For more information please visit this website.

Now, as you do these things it might be a good idea to try new things to see if you can find something else that will whet your interest. Because, well, why the heck not!! You only live once.  So, go skydiving, learn to ski, write a blog, sign up at a gym, run a marathon. Do anything and everything. 

While you are doing these fun things take your friends with you, as a thank you for sticking with you through the darkness.  Both of you will bond and it will be glorious.  Everyone loves to get rewarded for putting up with other peoples depressing bullsh**.  Your friends weren't meant to hold the whole weight of your depression, but they can help you in other ways.  They can help cheer you up, but not solve your problems for you.  No one wants to be around a Debbie Downer all the time.  Talk to your counselor about your depression, try to be supportive of your friends and the things they are going through. 

Above all, remember the surest way through depression is by holding the hand of the Savior.  We must remember that He has descended below all things and He can help us, even in our darkest hour.  (see here for reference)  I know that is true because one day I was sitting in my dorm room, a while ago, contemplating my life, thinking about the point of it.  I thought about how easy it would be to end it and then I thought about my Savior.  As the prophet Alma perfectly describes "And, now, behold, when I thought of this I could remember my pains no more".  The feelings of loneliness and worthlessness evaporated.  It helped long enough that I did not commit suicide.  And that has made all the difference.

Depression

When my depression hits things go awry.  My desire to work out totally goes out the window, my relationship with my boyfriend suffers/gets severed because I get super insecure about EVERYTHING. My home becomes a hot mess. I stop wearing make up.  I just. Stop. Caring.  Even the job that I absolutely love becomes a burden more than a joy. It really sucks.

I don't think there is anything more annoying than when you don't realize you are having a depressive episode and everything starts bothering you and you feel super insecure and everything just feels like it's coming undone. That feeling that everything is snowballing out of control and you don't know where you stand is probably the most frustrating feeling to ever have. Because you don't know what other people are thinking about you and you just want to know. You want to know how they feel about you. You also want to know how everything seems out of place.

You basically start stalking your significant other because you don't know what they are doing, what they're feeling, or thinking because even though they're talking to you, you feel like they're not talking to you. Then you have a huge fight because you just wanted them to connect with you, and they decide that they don't want you anymore.

From there the bed becomes superglue. You have no adhesive remover.  Stuck.  Tears stream down your face because everything just seems so dark and uninviting.  It would just be easier to stay in bed. No one has to know anything. No one has to know that you are sad and you don't know why.

No one has to know anything.  You have become a pretty good actor through out your life.  Covering the tragedy of depression with the comedy mask.  You have become so good at it that you can almost convince yourself that everything really is fine and you aren't really sad.  Then, when you are alone, the inscrutable sadness hits your chest like a pile of bricks.  You just don't know what to do. There is no one to entertain but yourself and you can't keep that charade up, even if you wanted to, because you expended all of your energy when you entertained others. 

You don't even have enough strength in you to finish this blog.