When my depression hits things go awry. My desire to work out totally goes out the window, my relationship with my boyfriend suffers/gets severed because I get super insecure about EVERYTHING. My home becomes a hot mess. I stop wearing make up. I just. Stop. Caring. Even the job that I absolutely love becomes a burden more than a joy. It really sucks.
I don't think there is anything more annoying than when you don't realize you are having a depressive episode and everything starts bothering you and you feel super insecure and everything just feels like it's coming undone. That feeling that everything is snowballing out of control and you don't know where you stand is probably the most frustrating feeling to ever have. Because you don't know what other people are thinking about you and you just want to know. You want to know how they feel about you. You also want to know how everything seems out of place.
You basically start stalking your significant other because you don't know what they are doing, what they're feeling, or thinking because even though they're talking to you, you feel like they're not talking to you. Then you have a huge fight because you just wanted them to connect with you, and they decide that they don't want you anymore.
From there the bed becomes superglue. You have no adhesive remover. Stuck. Tears stream down your face because everything just seems so dark and uninviting. It would just be easier to stay in bed. No one has to know anything. No one has to know that you are sad and you don't know why.
No one has to know anything. You have become a pretty good actor through out your life. Covering the tragedy of depression with the comedy mask. You have become so good at it that you can almost convince yourself that everything really is fine and you aren't really sad. Then, when you are alone, the inscrutable sadness hits your chest like a pile of bricks. You just don't know what to do. There is no one to entertain but yourself and you can't keep that charade up, even if you wanted to, because you expended all of your energy when you entertained others.
You don't even have enough strength in you to finish this blog.
Donielle-You are lovely! and I know these feelings, because I've struggled with them most of my life. You aren't alone as cliche as it sounds, but you are a daughter of the Most High God. He wants you to be happy and so do I. You've always been such a bright light and i remember always feeling really happy when I would see you, all those years at girls' camp and at church. You are exceptional, and choice above many other people. You have a beautiful soul, that's probably why you suffer so. I know I'm far away technically, but please feel free to email me @ alysia.culley@gmail.com anytime. everyone needs support, ya know? so much love, alysia xo
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